When the colors died, something was lost
by xDeadlyDiseasex
Summary: AU Sakura at fourteen in a mental health ward going through her tough times, she won't tell anyone anything keeping it locked up but she falls for her 26 yr old therapist, KABUSAKU REVIEW!
1. Fantasizing About Your Therapist

So I thought of this while in the shower, which is very weird but anyways.

This is my fourth shot at a Kabu/Saku the other three didn't work out but I like this idea and I hope people do too.

SO PLEASE REVIEW TO THIS!

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Have you ever looked at a blue sky?

Only to see red?

Have you ever took a shower to get clean

Only to come out filthier?

Have you ever been the fattest person in the world?

Only to accidentally cut yourself on your too sharp hipbone.

Have you ever been gold?

I once was a beautiful lavender color with shades of white,

Until it too went like other colors, dull, emotionless, not as vibrant as before.

"Sakura" a professional familiar voice said breaking me from my thoughts.

I took my eyes off the spot on the wall to look back at the speaker of the voice; he had long straight white gray colored hair that was pulled back in a loose ponytail. Simple metal-rimmed glasses perched on his nose making his already big black eyes a bit bigger.

All of the thoughts were I, from the sky to the jutting out hipbone and resting on the not-so-important colors.

Oh yea, add 'In love with therapist' to my list.

My therapist, Kabuto Y. twenty-six, status single, enjoys making people feel better smiling while closing his eyes picturing a beautiful woman I would become, or so he says.

Oh yes me, well I'm Sakura Haruno fourteen pink thin brittle ugly hair, too big of green eyes, too skinny but too big. Enjoys getting the nurses and doctors in a fuss loves a good challenge, currently living in Butler Memorial Hospital, for the mentally ill; loves to fantasize about Dr. Kabuto in the dark night before going to bed.

"Sakura how was your day so far?" he asked sincerely

"Great sharing a room with a fifty-seven year old woman who eats grapes off of the kitchen walls is the best thing I could ask for." I'm sarcastic I hate ruining his day.

He just smiled sincerely and leaned forward in his chair so our knees touched "Come on something good must have happened today."

I looked down at my stick figure legs and bony ugly sticking out knees that were showing from my simple white dress with inch straps on the shoulders that reached mid-thigh.

My legs looked like seven years old against his strong muscular legs that showed from his dressy tan-brownish pants.

"I think I'm insomniac, I can't sleep, what if I faint from lack of rest and I never wake up? Has it happened before could it happen?"

He laughed lightly hearing me rambling like the child I am "I can subscribe to get you sleeping pills to help you sleep if you want."

"No, I like staying up I have more time to think."

He pushed his glasses up slightly only to have them fall back in the same place they were last time. "And tell me what have you been thinking about?"

I looked down at my short skinny fingers in my lap along with the back of my hand, you can see in detail every bone that runs down my fingers to connect to my wrist, disgusting that's what I am. "I thought about this bird my mom used to have when I was three, its name was Sunkist it was red with black face and an orange beak. My mother loved that bird, more than me. I remember when my mom called dad a whore and he hit her, she let the bird free while crying."

Kabuto nodded and moved his right knee slightly causing the friction on his knee to slightly move my knee, "Any particular reason for thinking of the bird?"

"Well the thing mom didn't know was that it came back, I coaxed it in with crumbs and berries while it was perched upon my sill, then I smashed it's fucking head in."

Dr Kabuto nodded "Why would you do kill the bird?"

I looked around uncomfortably, like we were talking about something of importance "Because one time when this bird had a broken wing, I saw her break off it's neck, she'd do the same thing with Sunkist, the bird was beautiful so I saved it from being fooled and killed it off quickly."

Kabuto smiled slightly "Your beautiful, Sakura Haruno if you would only see the beauty I see."

Later that day I sat on my bed alone in the white starched room I stood up and took off my dress leaving myself in underwear.

I walked in front of the full body length mirror trying to see what he sees.

Beautiful was the LAST thing to call me.

I was skinny, if any teacher was teaching how many bones are in a human body they could easily counted out how many just having me there starch naked.

My stomach was empty as always it dipped down like a drained lake only to come back out for my hip and pelvis bones.

I was as flat as a board, or as others would say 'Nipples on ribs'.

I imagined instead of the mirror, but Kabuto looking at me gazing at me lovingly telling me I'm beautiful while lovingly caressed my detailed ribs counting while his fingers skimmed lightly a crossed.

I imagined my skinny fingertips touching his silkily long black eyelashes.

Clicking heals in the tiled hallways snapped me out of my fantasizing quickly hiding my dress under the blanket while tucking myself inside the blankets protection just in time to hear the door open and a woman whisper "Checks."

My heart hammered against my weak bones from almost getting caught.

Closing my eyes I thought about Dr .Y. and I sitting close with our knees touching just to have my father walking in, I'd say 'it's not what it looks like he's just trying to pry into my mind to see what's wrong with me.'

He'd leave angry and outraged for me doing something innocent only to have him turn it filthy and disgusting with his perverse.

He made everything filthy my father, he made mom kill herself, he made me be too skinny, and he made me burn my inner thighs last year with gasoline and a match.

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SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABANDONE?

Tell me REVIEW COME ON!

Sam


	2. Misery Loves Company

SO I decided not to abandon

Thanks to all of you that reviewed

**Dreamer**- thanks for the review I much appreciate it i'm glad you like it.

**Haya-chan**- Okay thanks for the review I hope you like this chapter as well.

**Kazster**- thank you i'm glad you like it I appreciate the review.

READ-N-REVIEW

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I looked at the blank white walls, to the white floorboards on the ground to the barred window and on the itchy stiff hospital bed, finally to the steel door with a small window that was barred.

You'd think I killed Donald Triumph.

The floorboards still had a faded lines from where the dragged away my old roommates bed.

Dolores Pigians fifty-seven major mental health issue hanged herself in the bathroom by her shoelaces found hanging on the shower rod that holds up the shower curtains.

Oh the greatness to it all, and better yet the new nurse found her; scared half to death seeing someone kill him or herself, signed up for unemployment herself.

I still wondered how she got her fat ass to keep hanging up there long enough to strangle, I guess elephants can fly.

I know I sound cruel hearted and non-caring but I've been here since I was 9 that was six years ago, six years with three different therapists.

First one was Dr. Price, an Asian woman.

I scared her off from when she asked me what I dreamt about I told her "I've been dreaming about you in the pool of your own blood, with your eyes gouged out by the work of my thumbs, the scent of your insides from under the floor boards, the perfect perfume for settling the score."

(It's from a song from From First To Last- Ride The Wings of Pestilence)

Then there was Dr. Shaw; he gave up on me like everyone else.

He had a potbelly and smoked every session always answering 'Mmhmmm' or 'You don't say'.

Dr Kabuto was different he's been my therapist since I was thirteen, he's not like other doctors who encourage clients to say their last name but wanted people to call him by his first, so they'd feel closer, not like a teacher and student.

A nurse walked in with a tray of food and a cup of water she set the tray on the white desk.

"Good morning Sakura, I brought you some food."

I scoffed said with sarcasm "Wow, thanks a bunch!"

The nurse looked hurt "Why won't you just accept the help we're trying to get you?"

I looked at her right in the eye, not believing she wanted to help me "You really want to help me?" 

She nodded eagerly thinking that I'd actually consult within her.

I pulled the strings on my long sleeve white straight jacket, when we were in the mentally ill part we had to wear straight jackets the only tie them when we freak out or become harmful.

Pulling the last string I pulled the baggy sleeve up to my elbow never breaking eye contact while I bit down on the side of my left wrist never wincing as I bit down harder drawing more blood.

When the copper taste filled my mouth I pulled away from my arm and slightly turned my head to spit the blood out in the right direction and held my arm out for her "If you really want to help me then heal me."

I did a great number on my wrist, nineteen stitches on the inside.

I looked at Dr Kabuto's solemn face, like he actually cared.

"You know how the Nurse can't take something like that so why must you insist on getting back at people by hurting yourself?"

I shrugged nonchalantly and walked up to his desk taking a glass lid off a small glass bottom and getting a cigarette that he usually leaves on his desk for older clients.

I lit it and blew out lightly before answering, "Misery loves company."

Kabuto stared at me with interest "When did you start smoking?"

I shrugged and sat on the corner of his desk and crossed my ankles together "Since I picked up the glass lid."

"It's bad for your health you know."

I swung my legs absent mindingly "I know I heard it can make you die faster so I just couldn't wait to try it."

"You think that no one would care if you died, but you're wrong I'd care."

"Why, why would you care?" 

I wanted, I hopped to hear him say he loved me; I needed to hear him say it.

"Because you are a beautiful young woman, and you need to see that; you can be anything and I know that you'd be great at it."

"Is being mental a crime?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you all say you're going to help, but yet you lock us away from normal civilization like it's a horrid disease, something disgusting and disfigured that you can't wait to get out of society."

"No it's not a crime."

"Then how come everything is barred up?"

"So you don't hurt yourself or others."

I scoffed in irony "Yeah they're doing a great job at that."

Kabuto smiled brightly and stood up while saying "I know we can go on a trip, just you and me."

I blew out some smoke "If it's anything like the last one to a lighthouse, count me out."

Kabuto grinned even more "Nope I was thinking we'd go for a day out you know, breakfast go shopping go to a café or restaurant or something. Just a day out the fresh air will do you good what do you say?"

I rolled my eyes trying to look non-caring "Fine."

Kabuto smiled while Sakura was a bit anxious to go also but didn't want to show it.

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Okay so if you want to see what happens next review.

I always like to hear what people think of my stories.

REVIEW

Sam


	3. Call me a safe bet, im betting im not

Sorry I didn't update for a while my dog died and the school ended so I had people to see and just everything happened all at once so sorry.

Reviews-

Astrozerk- im very glad you like it, sorry for the wait 

**Killer –strawberry- **Thanks glad you like it I try my hardest

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**o0Dreamer0o- **thank you for reviewing glad you like it.

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I didn't know, I never knew.

How was I supposed to know anything?

It wasn't my fault.

I don't get it.

Am I not suppose to?

Kabuto told me it wasn't my burden, he was right… I trust.

Since the children were 'blessed', I shouldered all the blame.

It wasn't my fault… really… it was their fault they had me, it was their fault I turned out the way I did.

And it's their fault i'm crushing over the only person that has ever shown me genuine compassion.

But then again I could never clearly remember my past it wasn't described either.

I remember seeing western coast, then I saw the hospital, I nursed the shoreline like a wound.

I brung my knees up and cradle my head on my knees until Kabuto came strolling in with a big goofy grin he pushed his glasses up and asked "Are you ready?" 

I sighed and slipped off the bed and stood by him until he walked as I followed him like a good lap dog.

We sat there at 9am in a small diner looking at a menu trying to find something for breakfast.

Kabuto had a cup of coffee and pancakes I had a vanilla milkshake.

After a bite of pancake and a sip of coffee he dabbed the corner of his mouth and smiled at me "You know Sakura, the other doctors and I are thinking that maybe it'd do you some good to allow visitors over again, what would you think about that?"

I tighten my clench on the body of the glass, "Why would you want to do that, do you really think it'd help me?"

Kabuto pushed his glasses up, a bad habit he does, "By this time we're not sure, we're not sure of anything unless you tell us what you feel, why you feel this way, and how do you think you could secure it."

I sighed through my nose, they had a degree why can't they discover bits and pieces out; the first year I went into the sanatorium they called it PMS.

Kabuto reached over the table and patted my fingers wrapped around the glass awkwardly and brung his hand back to his side quickly after the first three pats and said "We'll just see how it all goes, you never know maybe its just what you need."

He smiled again and took another sip of his Luke-warm coffee.

Everything was blue 

_The dark blue inky night sky_

_The blue ghostly moon sending his light as a warning for the sin that is I_

_The blue streets _

_And the dark blue shadows of the in-betweens_

_The rubbery blue feeling of my skin as the slid over the bridge's railings_

_The faint blue outline of the extension cord wrapped around my neck and around the streetlight's pole._

_My feet rubbed softly against the bumpy cement before slipping off completely_

_Different shades of blue swam past my eyes like a sliding picture show_

_Until it become a solid blue_

_Then I felt it_

_The searing hot red pain_

_Its flames spread like the plague melting the blue_

_Until everything became enraged with its flames_

Then everything went black… 

An electronic beep was heard indicating the door was opening; I sat up and watched as the nurse stepped aside and let the devil come in to chat.

He smiled a great big fake smile and sat down across from me, he opened his mouth but closed it again.

He smiled softly again and laid his hand on my knee and said softly "Its nice to see your doing alright."

I move my legs to sit Indian style forcefully moving his hand off of me, "Yes, I'm doing just GREAT"

He sighed softly letting his counterfeit smile slide off his face, "If it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again, you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. But I know we can mend these mistakes and start anew."

I feel heavy hearted "You say you want a solution, but you just want to be missed and I'm the last one to turn to don't think I can ever forgive you, I can only hope as time goes on I can forget you."

He stares at me in shock "We can start a new life…"

I gripped my sheets " A brand new day in a life I hate, a heart that's harder than stone, it'll be as cold as a tomb."

He stood up giving up before he opened the door he looked back at me "I hope you find out whom you are, I already know what I am."

I turned my head; I don't want to talk to him anymore.

I heard the beep sound again the door opened, and his footsteps echoed and filled the hollow feeling in my chest even after the door slammed shut, I could still hear it, the first day in 10 years since I saw him, the first day we actually had a two-sided conversation, the first time we had a discussion where both got hurt, the last day I'll ever see him, the last time I wouldn't regret never keeping in-contact with the last person I had to tighten around for a past.

The last time I'll ever see my own flesh and bone, my own father and I were so disgusted with each other it feels like acid just talking, but it feels like ice when we're apart; I never did hate him, he never did hurt me bad enough.

I felt it in the pit of my stomach the burning in my throat, the skin on my nose tightened.

I was crying…

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So what'd you think? I know its short but at least I updated

Please review or have the consequences of waiting longer for an update

Sam


	4. Dont kiss me bitch u just threw up

So,

Yeah this is for all my stories I just got out of Juvy, if your wondering, yes I did get sent there from fighting. Beat this girl's ass who she thinks she is who knows but she's ugly anyway, well if she wasn't before now she is!

I will start updating the comp in my room is getting set up, noice and if anyone would like to talk to me before hand.

My Aim or AOL sn is XAXLoadedXGunX

I miss juvy already, all my friends are there [ what a woe life it is to be outside those bars.

She's tired and bored she wishes you were gone,

Sam


	5. Liar Liar hanging from a telephone wire

So I never did get my comp hooked up but now I'm just like fuck it so I wrote down on paper like two kabusaku chapters and so I'm just going to re-type them on the main comp

So I never did get my comp hooked up but now I'm just like fuck it so I wrote down on paper like two kabusaku chapters and so I'm just going to re-type them on the main comp.

Fuckers be happy my hand feels retarded-

**Shinigame Princess- **thanks sorry I took over 2 yrs

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**ChinJinchuriki**- well I'm not exactly sane something different will always happen, thanks for the review

**court666-** thank you sorry for making you wait

**DicloniousBeauty-** Thank you for review sorry for the late chapter.

**Punch Your Lunch-** Nooo I would never bash Sakura but my brain I think itself has a mental defect and I just like pooped this story no inspiration from reading it from anything else but glad you like it sorry for it being so long

**ThePorcelainBeauty-** Thanks for the review sorry for the late chapter.

**Inukuro-** Thank you, I know Sakura was made to be crazy but I was so Sakura's my cover up.

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**Lonely mako**- don't hold your breathe BUT I DID IT

Hahaha Dora the explorer is like my retarded cousin that can't do anything for herself so I have to help.

I once had a friend, who used to say things just for attention.

She loved when sympathy was given with compliments toward her, she used to say things happened to her, she was melo-dramatic.

Everyone believed her, I knew they were all lies; but I stood still she never really liked me 'cause I wouldn't pity her; she loved that too.

She always wanted to have everyone look at her with sad eyes and love her for her weakness.

She met this wonderful guy in school, she fed him with her lies, and he swallowed them getting more over-heartened on her; she just kept feeding him to keep him silent.

They dated, she really did love him, and he only stayed so he wouldn't become another page in her sympathy book.

She couldn't take it she knew he didn't really love her, so one day in Junior High she killed herself; like I said melo-dramatic.

Everyone cried and felt bad… I laughed.

What a retard.

I still think about her, I had a dream about all the things she lied about and I wrote her a letter. I was going to have one of the nurses send it until I remember she died.

Enough reminiscing, I'm on my way to Kabuto's session, sad already because I know nothing will happen between us.

See in most mental hospitals there's a guy's ward and a girl's ward. Nope not here, the same ward; which gets quite interesting especially between anorexic girls and violent guys.

Dumbasses these days claim pedophilia and molestation is an illness so dinners fork I usually carry around end up in someone's hand.

I walked up to the dark pined door that looks monstrous compared to my short and tiny exterior. A gold, polished flat plate engraved in the familiar neatly picked out font words that never change.

"Dr Y. Kabuto

Graduated Top of Euphoria Psychology College"

(Don't know his last name hahaha)

Knocking on the door and walking in, there he is again. Kabuto sitting behind his desk humming slightly flipping through papers stacked neatly organized on his nearly new desk.

The tan leather recliner, which was where Dr K. usually sits had a manila folder on the seat; my file of course.

On the other side a love seat, patients seats. On either side two black silk pillows that when you move your hand bottom to top the fabric looks messy and darker.

In between a glass table with flowered centerpiece, a bowl filled with mini chocolates for whoever wanted any. Lacy embroidery under the centerpiece and bowl. On the side closest to the recliner Kabuto's coffee mug was already on the table with a cup holder on the bottom.

It looked like this everyday; one thing to look forward to it was the dusted fichus tree by his desk in his spotless room.

Kabuto looked up and smiled genuinely. "Sit down Sakura, make yourself comfortable; I just need to finish up writing something quickly. So tell me, how'd your day?"

I sat down and turned so my legs dangle off the armrest. "Same, they're going to make me start wearing a hospital gown since I stopped eating."

After scribbling something down he stacked the papers and sat down on the recliner looking at me, eye contact was big with him. "Sakura why haven't you been eating?"

I shrug my eyes slightly burn from lack of sleep and food. "I haven't been hungry."

He stood up and opened one of the cabinet doors, took out a scale and asked me to stand on it. I did as told and watched the numbers spin slowly under the red pointer before it stopped at fifty-three.

I looked over at him momentarily and watched as he grimaced in understandable disappointment.

I sat back down and watched as he put it away, and sat beside me; something he seldom does.

He took my hand into his which was new, I always see him hugging other patients; but he steer clears of me probably afraid to get cut off my shoulder blades or knuckles.

I stared at him, he looked clearly disheartened. He spoke slowly almost to catch himself on the words. "Sakura, I know maybe… you aren't hungry, but if you could… please… just eat a little… every once in a while… I would… it'd be good for you."

He made a mistake, but he always does feel the only way to truly help someone is to become emotionally attached to them, I'm just one of numerous.

I smiled a little for him and squeezed his hand tenderly; coarse skin wrapped around a naturally big hand with thick long pale fingers, also a small wrist and nicely sized arms. "Yeah, I'll eat I'm actually feeling hungry now. I just guess mornings aren't good for me to stomach things."

Truth is I'm not hungry at all; even imagining the smell of food is turning and twisting my gut into my throat. But oh god, oh god I'll eat as much as he likes just to see that smile on his face like the one he's giving me now.

I guess this is what I get for hanging out with a melo-dramatic liar,

It takes one to know one.

Dayum when's it going to get juicy?

The next chapter actually moves you forward more like we see a bit into Sakura's past and shit goes down.

So REVIEW A LOT

I see a lemon in the distance,

Sam


	6. Disregarding you

Chapter up!

Reviews-

**Theristia-** I know I try to make them interesting but I tend not to know what to do with them.

**Raianofthe6thsquad- **Glad it was good to you; I know I forgot all about the story too.

**In my own little world- **I've been in the world where have you been?

**J****igokuShoujosRevenge**** – **I know I try to make them longer but I don't have enough patients.

ENJOY!

Today the topic is relationships with the opposite sex, or so that's how they nicely put it.

Dr Kabuto is probably the only therapist I went to that ever brought up this topic whether it is I'm too young to even think about it or they thought it was too early to talk about something so well guarded.

"Now Sakura before we get started here I'd like to include a few things here, now what you experience wasn't sex it was more about violence-not sex. It was disregarding you."

"Yeah, and so is everything else in my life." He doesn't know I kissed twenty-six year old Dion in the living room ward.

He cleared his throat and sat up straighter while skimming through my file trying to find something intelligent to say.

'Can't we just wrap this up, I'm thirsty." Didn't he see I wanted to get this over with, I'm too anxious right now for mind prying.

"I see you're not comfortable with this conversation, maybe if I turned around and you close your eyes while you tell me what you think of this subject; or you could write down what you think whenever you feel like it so you wont have to say a single thing and I wont be breathing down your neck."

The irrational side of me was just sick of this mind game, I think it's not the best time; but fuck it.

"I do have something to say about this subject, I for one when ever this comes up I always think about you. I'm obviously, nicely to put it sexually attracted to you. What pray tell does this madness come from what part of my messed up brain; what's your diagnosis on this?"

I and my mentally retarded self had to become irrational or rational, whichever way it would sway. Kabuto pushed up his glasses, swallowed, and shuffled the already in order papers. Got up and dusted his fichus tree with a tissue.

"Well that concludes the session today" He didn't even glance at me.

I was standing outside the door the session already seemed tunneled and distant, one more lost part in time.

Maybe it was the delirium of malnutrition or half a sleep sociopath, but my half lidded eyes opened at the sight of silver hair reflecting off the moonlight behind the barred windows; my skin warmed at the ghost touch of rough palms; and my eyes slid back into slumber with chapped lips on mine.

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Ahhh! Pretty chapter

If I get 10 reviews new chapter up!!!!!

What are they doing?

Sam


	7. A Slow Day

So the other chapter was short so I'll just update now

Review!-

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**Anonymous- **crazy works

**Asmasc- **It wasn't good it was great

**Tori-chan18- **You don't have to wait!

FLAPJACK!

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I woke up today with nothing to do; I just stayed in a straight jacket hanging loosely off my left shoulder and my arms and hands swimming in the sleeves. I sat in the living room ward on an old dusty cushion chair. Looking at my love interests office door; people left and another one came.

Until 1o'clock when Kabuto walked out with Ino. She had the longest blonde hair down to her knees. She was probably 356 pounds, and never showered; always smelt like coffee and shit.

Kabuto half hugged her and went down the opposite hall, she walked past me. She smelt so terrible she made the table in the ward jumped right off the ground; if he could get close to her with holding his breathe and praying she wont mistake him for a white chocolate tootsie roll. Then what was wrong with me?

I always made sure I showered before I went to any session with him; my hair might be short but what's the point of having long hair if you're just going to let grease slick it over and knots so big I think a colony of bees rented it out.

I kept thinking of last night, maybe I should quit daydreaming. My mind isn't what it used to be.

I remember my childhood, like everyone else bits and pieces thrown at me from time to time I think of it for so long until one day its just another matter in the air, a monsters lunch, or maybe my brains membrane needs more blank ones for school that day.

My dad always had so much love, he never knew where to put it; or so that was his mother's defense. Since my mother was hardly a mother at all she always aimed to be a trophy wife; and she succeeded. Never knew how to do anything other than tan and exercise.

Nothing was really that bad, mostly just awkward kisses and lingering glances; maybe it was nothing at all. I always think back to that one day my birthday. Just turned nine too bad I-

"Sakura, you've been here all day it's lunch time." I looked at the nurse and stood up I don't remember walking to the cafeteria, but there I stood somehow having a staring contest with green pudding. I walked past it and decided to get a coca-cola instead. A Newport always goes well with regular pop.

(Believe me I know from experience)

I sipped, took a drag; and took another drink. Buying past my time letting it whither along with the cigarette wrapping. I'm too tired for this, I've been thinking even if I did get better and leave; I'd have to go to a foster home. And everyone knows nothing good comes from there. Or at least that's what I hear.

I returned back to the living room, someone already left. I don't have another session with him for another week. Maybe I can catch him afterwards and have a talk with him. Why did I tell him again, and how exactly did I word it? I can't seem to remember these details just the way his wrist seemed to lock when he swished the tissue over a frail leaf on the fichus. The way his room smelt like peppermint and cleaning products; usually wouldn't be a good blend, but it was peppermint with an underline of clean; the perfect blend. The spotless office and organized everything that had any right to be there; walls were spotless always looked like someone just painted it everyday.

Kabuto is the last therapist here, so it's not like I can be transferred to another one. Maybe Kabuto can work with a whack job so good maybe because he himself is a little off.

The last patient left, I walked into him shifting through his desk. Kabuto straightened up at the sight of me and gestured me towards the couch as he sat down gracefully on the recliner.

"Sakura we have some things we need to discuss." Here it comes, the lecture again; I think that's all he knows how to do. But then again he is a therapist.

"Yeah, I know my messed up part of my mind screwing up my thinking, right I got it." So much sarcasm in there it'd drown a baby bird. He knew I was upset; he exhaled deeply.

"I'm not what you think, I'm a hypochondriac, I always think I'm sick, I always carry around tissue with me; medicine. I mean I'm always late or leave early for doctor checkups just to hear him say I'm the healthiest person he's seen all week. I'm OCD that's why everything is always spotless I mean-" he stood up running his hand through his hair, he never told any other patient this; that's what his body language is telling me. "I'm not everything and fully sane."

"So we compliment each other." He doesn't seem to get it, my face in its natural frown. He obviously knew I wasn't sane, why would I want someone that was?

He sat beside me and held my hand, it felt like he stuck them in a bucket of ice; I hope my hand would warm his up soon its hard trying to relax when Alaska has settled into someone's palm. He looked a little sad, maybe even lost or maybe it was just my reflection off his pupils.

It was going to be a long talk…

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Ahh!

Cute,  
Sam


	8. Every girl in every girly magazine

Yes, yes I feel horrible, I'm a horrible person how could I do this. But I'm here I totally forgot about this story and well every other story as well.

But I took a pill n I'm ready to go!

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Well there was going to be a long talk if Ino didn't freak out on one of the nurses taking away one of her many trays of food. Socked her right in the face, she must've been really hungry not like it's anything new.

So he left, on 'important' duty, leaving me alone sitting on his couch like an idiot.

I lit another Newport, stretched and left to go sit back in the desolate living room.

No TV just a couple sitting stuff and a table with a stuffy rug. The only thing entertaining in there is watching the whack jobs or watching the smoke curl. And right now it'd be the whack jobs, amusing how nurses and doctors try to restrain Ino's fat ass; Kabuto was there trying to talk her down.

In some deep down broke nerve in my brain it irritated me that Kabuto could drop me without a thought when Ino fell off the wagon, even though I know it's his job. Maybe I'm just bitter from having to smell her and I'm taking It out on my poor therapist.

Just then Deon sat across from me, he looked like a mountain man with his blonde beard and his hair hanging down to the bottom of his ears.

"So you're watching this tragedy." He had a genuine care and kindness for everyone. His blue eyes soften at the thought of even a bug limping.

"The only tragedy I see is that pretty blue bracelet on such an ugly girl's wrist." It's true she had this genuine sapphire golden bracelet, something every girl nurse and patient envy.

"It's sad really, but it's even sadder the fact you can't find compassion in your heart." Slight irritation raised behind his eyes, anger was his best quality it made him irresistible. His mother was heartless, she had zero compassion for everyone including her son; he was always a meek guy but any slight show of carelessness angered him. Because he didn't understand how someone couldn't care, how someone could be like his mother.

I looked at him with as much ice as I can muster, empty ice sickles of cold uncaring. It is after all, all I have anymore in my soul. It started a fire in his eyes, even though he hated careless people he was drawn to them.

After I put my cig out in the ashtray I walked away, I didn't notice the commotion was done till I walked past the empty halls.

I heard Deon's angry heavy footsteps behind mine, I felt myself gently pushed into an empty closet off the end of a hallway.

He grabbed my jaw and angrily kissed me, his beard scratching and clawing at my face. His fingers digged in my jaw line so hard I felt it starting to bruise. His tongue in my mouth, it was weird kissing him because I don't think he knew how.

Not like I'm some big expert but, still he kissed weird. Or maybe it was just me weird about it, even though I couldn't be more disconnected from every situation I could put or been in.

One hand crushing my jaw the other grasping onto the top of my arm. When he was done crushing my jaw he figured to grasp angrily at my sweatpants over my thigh. His lips pressed so hard against mine I had to hold onto his arms just to quit from tumbling over.

Then there was light shining on my eyelids, we both pulled away. There were two nurses, one male one female, and my worst fear Dr Kabuto.

He was staring at us shocked, the male nurse took Deon and escorted him to Kabuto's office, beside me the female and Kabuto walked by me to the same office.

It was weird sitting on the couch, uncomfortable even more so because Deon was beside me.

I was told once his mother raped him, weird enough to say she took more than what she was aware of. She took his childhood, his sanity, his chance for a real life and a wife maybe even a couple of kids. She ruined his 'cause she was a pill addict. He was short tempered, maybe when he kissed me he was trying to kiss away his pain; the rest of his anger maybe the memory of his mother.

I could imagine it, the dirty room filled with pill bottles and his baby face with blonde hair with a bone thin woman; laying in bed withering away taking her son with her. I Imagined she'd be as blonde as him but, with stringier less full hair.

I Imagined her unknowingly killing Deon, maybe having a nickname for him; "little D" I could imagine when she said it. He would cringe and he would be slowly falling backwards in something beyond him but, much more comforting than what he was living.

Even though Deon's insanity is different from mine, I feel like I could understand it. I hope he never gets help, I hope he stays insane for ever. I like him the way he is, he still has his senses he knew better than to try to go anything further than he did in the closet. I really do have no compassion, I'm not heartless though because I know I have a soft spot for Deon. If nothing happens between me and Kabuto, Deon would be my next choice even if he is eleven years older than me. What does it matter, just two whacko's finding love behind a brick asylum.

"It's been a long day and I'd like to talk to you individually, starting with Deon." He didn't want to talk to me, he wouldn't even look at me. He hated me I was caught being less than his innocent little whacko.

. . .

My Nails are disgusting, ripped in layers and close to the skin. Short and not at all trimmed nicely. I noticed this while drumming my nails across my wall, thinking how many times I'd have to ram my head into it to break my neck.

I've been trying to remember things about my mother. I find it weird how I can vividly create Deon's mother but, hardly remember a thing about mine. I remember just staring at my pink lava lamp with purple lava, I remember her voice nagging me; but I was blatantly ignoring looking at her.

I remember her by the pool, the big sunglasses, hair in a messy pony tail, and the three sided mirror reflecting light on her face.

Even though I wasn't there that night I could just see the big open window the curtain blowing in the wind along with her wispy nightgown. I saw her let down her hair, place the clip on a small glass table before she tumbled over the knee high white railing and found her death waiting seven feet downward hitting the green lawn.

She didn't jump at her house but, a hotel she was in Mexico on a "business" vacation. She ended her life 'cause she was loosing everything. Her husband left her and now her sugar daddy's leaving her in fear his wife would find out.

Poor wasn't in her dictionary especially not suited for her lifestyle. She can't just find a job and be a mother; it wasn't enough for her. So she ended it, and that was that.

I've been trying to get my mind off Kabuto, I was wondering what he was really thinking. I felt I betrayed him because I know Deon would tell him the truth. I never told Kabuto the first time, so he knows I've been holding things back from him.

I feel horrible, I wish I could go back and change what happened. So there's nothing left to do but, wait and I hate waiting.

My mother couldn't live alone, when all my life I was forced to be alone. So anything I can get from another human just seems weird and goes unappreciated.

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Aww gees that was longer than hell

Hope enjoyed review!

Fucked up,

sam


	9. A Lack Of Color

SO, no one really reviews

Why? You people read it, I know it, I see it don't think it's a secret

But I've been in a bad mood so I figure I'll update this one 'cause it matches my insanity levels.

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There's a lack of color here, everything just got dull and faded. The walls warped into themselves making it an endless long way up, even if it's just an eyes travel.

I've been seeing bugs on the bed, not actually see but I feel them. They crawl on me in the dark, they're staring at me with their billion eyes.

I think they crawled in my ears at night, maybe even in my mouth. I can feel them under my skin messing with my nerves. They're crawling on my scalp, no matter how hard I brush or scratch they're dug in there… deep and unseen.

They make me itch, and when they walk on my skin they leave four long scratches side by side. The scratches are pink and ground up white flaky skin.

I turned my forearm over and I saw it, little eight pricks came up from my skin, it's the bugs their legs they're crawling on the inside.

I felt my bones tense and my jaw locked as I scratched and dug at the spot where I saw the bug, maybe if I prove it they'll actually de-bug this place.

It wasn't getting me anywhere so I went to the desk and grabbed a red inked pen and broke the plastic tube. A sharp piece of plastic broke off the tube, so I continued going at my arm.

By the time a nurse came for checks there was more blood than to be expected.

I knew where I was going after the nurses station, bodily harm with a weapon end you up in three days of solitary room; nothing but a foam bed on a cement floor with white walls. Even if the only one who came in harms way was yourself.

The bugs left me then, they say bugs have short life span so they're gone; they stopped multiplying.

I couldn't tell you what happened in those days, because I wasn't there.

It was my body there sitting on the floor facing the corner of the wall, but I mentally wasn't there. I was back on the train tracks, trying to balance myself on the little metal tracks.

With my arms up at my sides and my eyes closed I relished the warmth on my skin, the sun was so bright and it was quiet out.

I looked behind me he was walking lazily behind me taking his time, his dark hair glinted from the sun chillen behind his head. His hair was messy and his right eye closed from the sun's brightness while the left one poured out the beautiful clear iris. He had jeans on but, patchwork long shorts over the jeans, an open blue flannel shirt with nothing underneath. His pale skin could blind a plane but, it was flawless like his smile and his face. The Camel Wide he so obsessively devoted to looked perfect wrapped around his pink lips and as the smoke blew out of his mouth only to drift up; it resembled his personality always up in the air.

"Neji, there's a lack of color here." I felt the frown on my lips, it turned into a pout when Neji got beside me. He stopped looked at me then up at the darkening sky.

"Don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams. Absorbing everything the spectrum a to z." I watched the way his hand went up and readjusted the fishing bobber in his ear, then he moved it up towards the cartilage and moved the screw. He always had odd objects in his ears, he still had my golden heart locket on the bottom of his right ear.

Neji always had something to put into perspective, he believed in karma and fate. He could put anything incomprehensible into something a five year old could understand.

We sat there on the tracks, the sun was gone but, we still lingered like the souls of the dead. Wandering the world in melancholy shadows. The only people we had were each other and we never forgot that; we learned one could not live without the other. Our lives where too close together that the edges blurred and where I started and he began were fuzzy. It physically hurt to be apart, that's why I couldn't leave after meeting him. I told him I didn't think I could stand without him, he told me I would never have to find out…

The horrible screeching sound of the metal door got me out of my trance, it must've been my third day because I have a meeting with Dr Kabuto.

I sat there in his office, weirdly sitting on his couch. I immediately light a cig because in solitary there was no smoking. I swear the first hit of menthol was all I needed to get my brain to click again.

He sat across from me rummaging through my file, looking at the color pink in the file it meant it was the nurse's paperwork.

"So…" the silence was killing me I wanted him to say something, anything.

"So… how are you feeling?" Typical, safe question I see how he wants to play it. He wanted to do his job then ditch me as fast as he can.

"Like… usual disconnect and disconcerted with my surroundings and people in it."

He looked up at me while readjusting his glasses "I don't understand why you must give these cynical answers."

"This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years."

"Then why prey tell, are you disconnect and disconcerted with everything?"

I looked at him up from my underneath my eyelashes with a monotone voice "'Cause I'm crazy remember?

He sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose and put the folder on the desk while uncrossing his legs "I wish you'd just… wake up. You act as if you have some incurable disease, you're not broken. All you have is a dark secret, maybe many you have pain in your life that you can't deal with. I want to help you, and I can help you if you'd let me. And maybe if you actually took your medication it'd work once in a while but, who'd would know the way you tongue them."

I couldn't say anything, the cigarette forgotten in-between my index and middle finger collecting ash. I probably looked stupid my mouth halfway opened, his voice kept rising I never heard him get even slightly loud.

"You just… don't get it. And I don't know what to blame, you're situation or your age. You're the only patient of mine that is just paperwork to me, the only one I don't get close to. The only one I dread to see not only at sessions but, even in the halls. I hate having to talk to you and sometimes even having to look at you."

I felt my face up in a sour patch way, my chest constricted and my vision began to blur. I scrunched my lips together to quit from whimpering like a dog getting ready to be put to sleep. I breathed in deep through my nose and shuddered with every exhale, I felt tears running down; no way of stopping them now. And past the unbearable pain of his words, there was a feeling of shear stupidity. Here I was in his office, after confessing my love and now I'm crying in front of him like a baby as he was telling me how much he loathed me.

I covered my face with my hands as my back shuddered uncontrollably as he sat down by me his hands trying to pry my hands, I fought tooth and nail to keep my hands there.

"I have to keep you just paperwork, anything more would drive me crazy 'cause it's not allowed. I feel if I get close to you I couldn't back away. And I hate seeing you because I know every time I do I can never say what I really want to… I hate talking to you 'cause you break my heart little girl. And I feel like all the air in the room was sucked away when I look at you."

I couldn't fully comprehend what he said and I don't think I could blame my insanity at this point. When my back stopped shaking he gently guided my hands to my lap where his right hand still held my hand as his left when went to my face to wipe away the tears.

I finally mustered up the last bit of strength I had to look at him, when I did he cupped the side of my face and smiled at me.

I couldn't fathom how my life happened to turn this way but, he kept looking at me and all I could do was look back.

I took my eyes off for a second on the spot on the wall behind his head and before I knew it _he kissed me!_

_Here I was fourteen kissing my twenty-six year old therapist, while living in an a sane asylum. Yeah, my life took a turn for the obvious let me tell you._

_Before I knew it I felt his tongue on lip and I jumped at the burning sensation in between my fingers. The forgotten cig was burnt the whole way to the top of the butt and burnt me, thus ruining my fantasy for over a year; what the hell._

_He went to get a damp paper towel, there was ash on the floor before he could see and freak I rubbed it in the carpet with my shoe._

_He brought the wet paper towel over and put it over my two fingers._

"_Are they feeling any better?" He held great concern in his eyes._

_I just nodded my head, first time in my life I decided to play it safe. I decided not to push any levels for I feel I might just wake up in the solitary room any minute now._

_But I didn't, I stayed on that couch sitting beside him; his hands over my hands sitting there in silence. It was nice and comforting though, the peppermint and clean smell drifted throughout the room._

_For the first time in… years I actually felt sane, I was truly scared to take my eyes off our hands because I was afraid the room would warp and the bugs in my brain would come back. I don't want to be insane anymore, even though I never cared before I figured my life would be lived throughout these hospital smelling like shit halls filled with nurses and whacko's. I think this is my first sane moment and I like it. _

_My eyes always saw weird, like those times you feel like your high but, really you haven't took anything or smoked anything. My eyes was never fully attached to my brain… at least that's how it feels._

_It was nice just looking at our hands, one hand was wrapped around my two burnt fingers with a wet paper towel in between. The other was idly holding my limp one._

_I felt the almost new tears form and as my vision clouded all I saw were swirls of colors, beautiful colors that died but somehow came back from the grave. The colors I once loved that wilted inside my soul, formed a seed and unknowingly to my knowledge grew to once again fill my eyes with the one thing I once loved._

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_Once again, DONE_

_U took a little bit from my day, the train tracks was what happened between me n B Rad, except he has green messy hair and yeah I gave B Rad's clothes to Neji and also the items in B Rad's ears _

_I'm not to sure how to progress this relationship, surprisingly I have never been in this situation._

_The great pot smoking,_

_Sam_


	10. Of Butterflies froggies n fishie

So not much really, it was weird writing it, it focuses on Sakura's-and-mine craziness

Just a little thing going inside her brain

READ-N-REVIEW

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Why do they do this to us?

Every other week on Sunday, they have a pastor come and talk to us. To bless us and pray with us.

When he comes that's when I stay in my room because he's unknown to me. What do I say to someone that I can't fully believe in? It's like the day of reckoning when I see him, those who didn't believe don't know what to say or do.

I watched him from behind the frame of my door, he was talking nice with Kabuto. His black suit as clean in pristine as can be. He reminded me of my mother, she was religious out the ass. She used to scrub me down in the bath saying 'Cleanliness is close to Godliness.' Then again she was also a schizophrenic.

I closed my door and laid back down on my bed, it was a good day to sleep.

The nurses got under my skin, every freaking time they came back more persistent to have me talk to 'father'. I said no each time more irritated than last time. Five minutes later the door opens at that I flung the blanket from over my head and sat up glaring "How many times do I have to tell you people NO!"

Actually looking at the person in the doorway I felt my anger sizzle down, it was my therapist.

I mumbled a sorry and went to lay back down, he invited himself to silently sit by the crook in my back knees. "Why won't you come talk to him?"

I knew who he was talking about, but I didn't answer. I tried to grasp onto words and meanings for why; but they floated to high above me like butterflies… purple and pink butterflies so high that when they got caught in the sun's view they turned a not-so-quite color. Maybe like an orange, a not-so-much orange that was held up to a flame of a lighter… or not an orange at all it could be like an in-between color. A color that was squished between blue and red in the rainbow, nothing really comes to mind 'cause you can't see it.

But then again there were too many butterflies, they were too far away now, they were just specs in the sky that blurred out the sky's lightness or blue. 'Cause the sky doesn't produce light… right? I closed my eyes trying to adjust to the pain… it hurt. I got the sense of colors back, the beauty of it all that lifted me up, like I can fly but with no wings. So not like a butterfly. But it hurt to think of the colors, because they're not real colors because I can't remember their names. I don't even truly believe they have names, so when I saw them I named them to whatever popped into my head.

"Sakura?" I don't remember what he said… oops. What were we talking about? Sky light? No! Maybe… it was… the sun? But then why would we be talking about the sun? It hurt again, I don't remember why it hurts but for a reason it does.

I looked at him, he looked worried. "Umm…." I searched for anything that didn't indicate I was not fully there, but didn't want to ask what his question was because I'd feel dumb. SO I need to say something good, that seemed like I was listening and not so crazy. "I think… " I struggled, trying to grab onto something! Nothing came to my mind, why? The butterflies… they took my words and my thoughts with them. They stole it from me, and I'll never get them back; because they didn't make an appointment for next week…wait… did that make sense?

"Sakura, are you okay?" He's holding my hand now, am I floating? The butterflies must be back for me! I feel them in my stomach they're lifting me away! No, they can't they're already gone! I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head.

"I'm fine! I just need sleep!"

He didn't believe me, he looked worried… maybe he knew about the butterflies but… how did he know? They are things that only I know, and the girl two rooms down…. She knows the butterflies. I see her dancing and playing with them in her room… twirling around them with her dolly in her hand… the butterflies like her laughing. They stopped coming to her though… they followed me home. SO now she lays in bed staring at the ceiling, doesn't talk or eat, hasn't moved. She mumbles on and on about the butterflies…

He still looked at me funny. Funny sounds like bunny, bunny's are white with cotton tails… peter cotton tail! I thought I had a bunny once, but it turned out to be a head of lettuce instead… the head of lettuce turned out to be the real head of the headless horseman… he gave me a nickel and a hug for finding it… he left me there in the cabbage patch to play with the babies as he went to go live in the birds nest. I think that was the day I swam home… the town had a swimming day… they turned town into a pool for the day. I'm not sure if it was before or after the butterflies… maybe it was the same day… or was that today?

"Well, I'm going to leave you to get some rest; if there's something wrong tell the nurse. She can come and get me if needed okay?" I nodded he left… when he shut the door the vines grew from under the outline of the door and grew onto the walls. The vines turned into purple vines… but it was a muddy purple.

First butterflies formed from out of the vines, but then they turned into frogs… froggies with wings. Their limbs hung limply looking uninterested as the flew around the room. They dropped rainbow drops they popped making a 'Do Re Me' sounds, inside came out little yellow cats, with pink n silver polka dots. They had red bows around their neck, they were very small kitties… they were around on my bed happily trotting around, their 'baas' echoing through out the room. Until one by one they jumped off the bed, I looked over the side… they were swimming! They sat relaxing in the floating doughnuts, there were chocolate, sprinkled, and sparkly doughnuts. Until the water started to boil, the kitties were pushed aside on their doughnuts by the waves. Out of the boiling water little pink ballerina's came dancing. They skimmed gracefully around on top of the water, the kitties looking up at them in interest following the dancers.

The ballerina's weren't pink though… it looked pink but it was a… graceful…undeceiving…. Sort of pink?

I watched them all day… the ballerinas, the butterflies, the turtles with no shell but a hat and a cane… even saw the lock, it was sad though… someone raped the lock. I told him I was sorry, he still cried, so me and the see through glass fishie that was sparkly went and found his key.

We found the lock's key, he felt better… here the key was under the growing willow tree named Bee the whole time! Haha who would've guessed it? Well here since we found the key, the lock opened!

Behind the door was balloons! But they didn't float… they laid on the ground and groaned. Here they were filled with chocolate giving them a tummy ache! So me and fishie found the chocolate eaters, they lived under the sun river and into small groves called Blewp. Along the way through Blewp, there were so many colors! With no names so I named them… Gloo, Glop, Gleen, Bwep, and Byund.

But the sun went down, and fishie had to go to the dark part that no one likes to go, he was sad but I told him I'd go half way. When we got in front of the dark place he looked sad and did a mute open mouth O… he said we couldn't play anymore… I cried… he said it was okay. I turned around leaving fishie, turned back just in time to see him go into the dark place… he was getting foggy and hard to see… but I saw him… his see through glass started cracking… the dark place is scary… I used to be there… but I didn't dwell on old memories, I didn't like it there…. Not-so-quite pink and not-really purple clouds guided me back to home, the rainbow bubbles floated up mixed in with the singing flowers that floated up too, they went into the whiteness above my head… until they formed together making a not-really-anything-important color picture above my head.

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The nurse came and checked on me I idly saw, she waved her hand in front of my eyes that were just staring at the invisible spot on the wall, the wall spot opened into an ivory gate with flowers and stringy plants with no real purpose.

It was as if I saw myself, like watching me on a movie dancing and twirling around the cotton candy bush with cherry clouds and a bruised strawberry bed.

I had a sense I knew I wasn't there, but I felt me there, my hair floating up becoming swirls and I felt my throat… it giggled at the bubbles forming at the ends to only turn into green dotted elephants…

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So I think this porve my insanity levels, this came very easy to write…

Weird enough to say, it seemed like a trip right? Like we just took some X, acid even? That's messed

But I do have to say my fav. Part was 'someone raped the lock'

WELL REVIEW

Someone raped the lock,

Sam


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